Why is it we can be the happiest we have ever been in our lives and still feel like we need more? For the first time in my marriage I am truly happy with my relationships, I'm on the verge of nursing school, I have a job, I have a home(it's a rental), I have a car( well okay its a minivan), I have no credit cards and my bills for the most part are paid on time. So why am I so incredibly down on my self? Why am I not satisfied with what I've got? Why am I not content? Because I am a woman and we are the hardest on ourselves. I feel like the future of my family rests on my upcoming education and that if I don't succeed in nursing school that my family will fail. What if I fail? What if I can't cut it? What if I make it through school and then can't pass the boards? What if 3rd semester clinicals really are the divorcemaker? What if I can't find a job after school. What if I fail my family?
Every time I think(sometimes out loud) about owning a house, having long term and health insurance, owning a 7 passenger suv, having a savings, and vacationing with and without the kids I always preface it with " When I get done with nursing school we can... I want what everyone else has NOW! I want to have a home I can decorate the way I want to. I want to have spending money. I want to put my kids in a good(expensive) school. I want horse therapy for Avery. I want dance lessons for Kaely. I want voice lessons for Rylie. I want Emmie to audition for commercials. I want my husband to be able to play golf anytime he wants with his new clubs. I see the carrot and frankly it pisses me off. I wish I would have known what I know now when I was 18, 21, heck 25. I wish I would have stuck with school back then. I am green with envy of all my friends who have their stuff together. We are getting there but it has taken a long time on a bumpy, bumpy road. I can see the prize, I just don't want to wait. Waiting is the hardest part. We'll get there. Sorry for the rant. I needed to get it off my chest.
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