My quest for the crown...

I think it is important to put this out there now...I do not want to win a pageant for the sash and the crown. I want to win because I truly believe that being a queen will make me more legit. I think a title will be a great catalyst to enable me to give back to the Autism Society and Autism Speaks. You see my daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's Autism at 2 and it has been a long and strenuous road... We were told there was nothing we could do to fix her. No mommy wants to hear that there is something wrong with her baby and then to get the news that you can't fix the "boo boo". Devastating. Those of you who know me, know that I am not the type of person to take no for an answer. I researched our options for hours and found out that through occupational therapy, change in diet, and supplementation you can greatly reduce the effects of Autism in your child. It is not a cure all and may not work for some, but my child who was not speaking by 2 and a half, who pulled out her hair, who wouldn't potty train, who had no eye contact, and who was socially "off", this fall will be entering the first grade as a "normal" kid. No IEP, a "normal" kid. She still has her quirks, but don't we all? I want to use the crown to let other mommies know there is hope, you don't have to take no for an answer.

It's the little things...

It really, truly is about the little things in life. Why is it that something as simple as a new water bottle can make me happy? The big things like getting into nursing school and my anniversary, while awesome, take so long to achieve that the build up kind of ruins everything. Adam is going to have a salad for dinner tonight and I got him croutons...this makes me a rock star. This is how we show love, not by huge grandiose gestures, but by the little things. I would love to be able to lavish my kids with dance class and voice lessons, all of the toys and cd's and movies they want, and a bigger house. This is not in the cards for us right now, maybe in a few years once I have graduated and can afford "stuff", but for right now it's the little things. I got Rylie a library card of her own and for those of you who know the kid this makes me MOY(mother of the year). We rearranged the house so each kid could have their own room and for my tweens this makes us Awesome! My good friend and Client Clayton (92) told me in one of his pastoral(retired) moments to pay attention to the little things in life because the big ones are few and far between and as I wait to hear news of his passing I am thinking of all of the little things he has given me in the 9 months we have known each other. He is the one who told me that nursing was my ministry and that I was really good at it. He showed me how to make English Toffee. He showed me that I don't have to be afraid of all old men because of what one old man did to me. He shared his love of John Wayne and westerns with me, I too am now a fan. He told me the same joke over and over and I laughed every time. He showed me that love and laughter are all you need to make your marriage work for 70+ years. He showed an interest in my children, my marriage, my schooling, my church, and my pageants and remembered it all. We shared many knowing looks when Arline, his wife, did something silly(she has severe dementia). We cried together when Arline asked him where his wife was? We cried some more when he said he missed his wife. We have shared so many little things and I will cherish them forever. Thank you Clayton for all the little things...I love you, you will be missed...

What do you wanna be when you grow up?

One day a few years back the girls and I were sitting in the kitchen talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up. Finally, after it was decided that princess was the ideal job, one of my daughters asked," Mommy what do you want to be when you grow up?" and I said, " Well, I always wanted to be a nurse. I started nursing school a few times but then had to stop going to have babies." Then one of my insightful children said," So, why don't you go back to school, Mommy?" I hemmed and hawed using the excuse of " oh, Emmie is so young, and I will go back when your all in school, maybe, etc...and then the words that will stick with me forever came out of my evil scientist genius child, " So, when you have babies you can't go to school?" and it hit me like a punch in the face...what am I teaching my daughters? How dare I help them to believe they can't do anything! I signed up for school that week. That was in Fall of "07. I finished all of my prerequisites in the Summer of '09 and was put on the waitlist to get into the nursing program at our local community college. I finally got the email last week that I am the 5th alternate for the Fall '10 term, if 5 people out of 47 drop, I'm in. It seems really likely I will be starting nursing school in the fall.

Every day when I pick Avery up from school in my scrubs she says, " Mommy are you a nurse yet?" I can not wait until the day I can say, " Yes, Avery I am!," You see, we as mommies are on stage, with an audience that watches our every move. We are teaching 24/7 and we can never forget. We are teaching our sons how to treat woman by the way we allow them to treat us. We are teaching our daughters how to survive in the world as woman by the examples we lead. I want mine to be God fearing, strong, independent woman who are okay when Adam and I are gone. I want them to know they can do anything they put their minds to as long as they set goals and work toward them. It may take them 33 years and 4 babies later to get there but they can. I can too!

11 years and counting...

I always find it incredibly amusing when I tell people I have been married for almost 11 years and have 4 kids and they freak out...Like 11 years is a long time. In working with the elderly and hospice I have met couples that have been married 50, 60 and 70+ years. That is a long time to be together. Don't get me wrong, I do understand that in this society where divorce is a 50/50 coin toss, my 10+ year marriage, to my high school sweetheart is impressive...but come on. It's not that hard to stay together. It hasn't been all hearts and flowers for us either, but we went into this knowing that divorce wasn't an option. I don't get irreconcilable differences? We have been through hell and back together and I guess that is the thing we did it all together. Bankruptcy, foreclosure, losing a business, pre-term labor, premature babies, Lupus, Autism, Celiac, RSV, Job loss, family arguments, funerals, returning to school, having 4 kids, major weight issues and no money...all together. He makes me laugh and he is my best friend. That's the secret. I can't imagine my life without him. He has my back. He is my personal GPS. He is the first one I call in good or bad times. I want to share everything with him. We have grown up together. He's helped me work through my baggage and made me a better person. He is our spiritual leader and an amazing father. He keeps me grounded and helps me get off of the emotional roller coaster. I am so glad God gave him to me. My advice, take it or leave it is to marry your friend, someone you can count on, who sees you at your worst and still wants you, laugh and cry together. Even now having gone through all the junk we did, I wouldn't change a thing, because it brought us here to this amazing place 17 years together, 11 wonderful years of marriage, 4 incredible daughters and one best friend to share my hopes, dreams, and life with. I love you Adam!

Happy Anniversary May 29th!

Happy Anniversary!

Happy 11th Anniversary. Thank you for riding the rollercoaster of life with me. I love you!(Owen's Corning R13)

A promise is a promise...

So when I made the deal with Kaely, I didn't really think it was going to happen. I promised if she got on the honor roll I would dye her hair pink for the summer. Now don't get me wrong, my child is brilliant. She skipped first grade altogether and did an awesome job with 2nd grade, but when we put her in the charter school, she struggled a lot. She was in the middle of her class for everything and her teacher wasn't much help. We all worked really hard on Math and English, and believe me there were a lot of tears shed and not just by the kid. She busted her butt and after having B's, C's and D's she ended the last semester with B's and A's. She is awesome and I am so very proud of her drive and determination. So now I have three blondes and a pink. Thank you Kaely for working so hard,you're going to make an excellent 4th grader. I love you and am very proud!

ooooo ooooo, I wanna be like yoooouuu!

Why is it we can be the happiest we have ever been in our lives and still feel like we need more? For the first time in my marriage I am truly happy with my relationships, I'm on the verge of nursing school, I have a job, I have a home(it's a rental), I have a car( well okay its a minivan), I have no credit cards and my bills for the most part are paid on time. So why am I so incredibly down on my self? Why am I not satisfied with what I've got? Why am I not content? Because I am a woman and we are the hardest on ourselves. I feel like the future of my family rests on my upcoming education and that if I don't succeed in nursing school that my family will fail. What if I fail? What if I can't cut it? What if I make it through school and then can't pass the boards? What if 3rd semester clinicals really are the divorcemaker? What if I can't find a job after school. What if I fail my family?

Every time I think(sometimes out loud) about owning a house, having long term and health insurance, owning a 7 passenger suv, having a savings, and vacationing with and without the kids I always preface it with " When I get done with nursing school we can... I want what everyone else has NOW! I want to have a home I can decorate the way I want to. I want to have spending money. I want to put my kids in a good(expensive) school. I want horse therapy for Avery. I want dance lessons for Kaely. I want voice lessons for Rylie. I want Emmie to audition for commercials. I want my husband to be able to play golf anytime he wants with his new clubs. I see the carrot and frankly it pisses me off. I wish I would have known what I know now when I was 18, 21, heck 25. I wish I would have stuck with school back then. I am green with envy of all my friends who have their stuff together. We are getting there but it has taken a long time on a bumpy, bumpy road. I can see the prize, I just don't want to wait. Waiting is the hardest part. We'll get there. Sorry for the rant. I needed to get it off my chest.